Jennifer Zamacona- Luis
English 12, Period 2
2020 02 19
Do you want to prove you are stronger than the boys ? Come join the marines……
The idea that I have chosen was of how women should come out of their shell and shouldn’t think that the Marine Corps is overpowered by the male species or boys, that it isn’t only for “dominate” males. The marines have always been a passion for me. It’s always been something worth taking a path for in my opinion. What inspired the idea was that in an article I read had mentioned that less than 9% of females had joined the marines in the year of 2018 and what questioned myself was why is that the marine corps have less than 9% when shouldn’t it be as equal as any other branch. After doing my own research less than almost 30 % of females join in any military branch. If I’m being honest that pissed the hell out of me that it made me look at any male that I saw in sight and said to myself he would be too scared to join any military branch basically I criticized the hell out of that guy in my head. It’s been a goal for me to make a tremendous increase to make more females including myself join more than 9% in one year. The very first fact that I’ve gathered and thought it was extremely important because I remembered was that Opha May Johnson made a huge impact on the United states SHE MADE HISTORY HAPPEN because she was the very first female marine who enlisted on August 13 in 1918. Opha May Johnson enlisted for reserves when she was at the age of 39 and during World War 1.
What I need to work on to make the best senior talk would possibly be to talk more in class or talk more to the public or in large groups to stop my stuttering. I know I’m always going to be nervous to talk in public and in front of my classmates but in order for me to not get that nervous is that I should read more in confidence. My stuttering only happens because I struggle in explaining specific things because I overthink too much in what I’m about to say. But just yesterday I for the first time recorded myself in making this blog. I have little conversations of my own that I believe will help me more if I listen to myself and correct myself at the end.
English 12, Period 2
2020 01 06
Where Am I ?
It’s almost the second half of the year and I’m already overthinking things. Most likely freaking out about whether or not I’m going to pass this ASVAB at the moment in a week or so I’m going to be attending to my last chance in trying to pass this ASVAB or else I’m going to have to wait 6 months. I have a mindset where I think this ASVAB is going to be the end of the world if I don’t pass it . I’m not scared of the test I was just never a great test taker no matter how long my study sessions are and how much I really understand it I still fail in the end. Sadly I lost my focus on keeping my grades up in school eventually I have to get my head out of my arse. But that’s not the only thing that I’m concerned about, what’s going to happen after I graduate and if I’m ever going to find the love of my life. I recently started to desire to find someone worth to love again really scared of dying alone or being alone but then yet again I’m still young so I have plenty of time to look for someone in the future. Now starting to realize I definitely lost focus in school mostly because I’m still working out things to manage to get through like my crush yes a girl crush, getting my workouts right, keeping my perfect score on my IST and maintaining to keep myself busy from doing drugs or bad influences.
Although I know I am going to graduate this year in June with my classmates or in August with the companion of my disappointment but still graduated right….??
It’s the fact that after finishing the boot camp of Marines it’s war time. Currently today we are at war with Iran so that means right after bootcamp I go straight to war to protect and serve my country. Meaning that I won’t be traveling the world like I’d want to or be home for a while but HEY this is what I signed up for and I’m honored and grateful to be able to have a chance in helping out my country.
In life it is really hard to find someone that you think will influence you the way you think is right. Rarely say this but I thank God I found a great individual who has made me understand how life works and for making me realize what I really want to be in this diverse small world.
Although this doesn’t answer the question because he’s been on vacation for almost 3 months, he’s always said to never give up. Ever since I showed up to one of the PT sessions to enlist for the Marines he thought I was lost. He’d have several jokes about my scrawniness that I need not just 1 sandwich but 5. Set aside the jokes he once told me that he thought I was never going to handle any “wicked,inhuman “ steps to becoming a marine. Freddy doubted me in the beginning and I felt remorse like I knew I had to prove him wrong. Few months later we started to workout together, go out, work together he became someone I’ve always wanted to look up to.
Always gave me hard times and showed me tough shit to do but I dealt with it because he made me believe I can do whatever the hell I can if I put in the hard work. He made me the “tough son of a bitch” that I am today. Without him I probably wouldn’t be in school much or doing every little possible thing to be on track to graduate or enlist in the marines. I once needed him to go through every single thing with me but he kept me on track. When every other person who I thought was going to be there, gave up on me, he was the only one who stuck around to vitalize all the painful phases I’ve gone through. He’s like a brother to me,have so much love for Freddy. Thanks to him I have goals to accomplish and have my mind to one thing and ONLY one thing, which is to take a picture of me in my cap and gown in June aside with him and his marine uniform.
To think college is an option, I think it would be a waste of time for me. Imagine me being in college in my dorm studying, working on my homework on a friday……… nope just kidding I thought I would’ve been the annoying dorm roommate who doesn’t care about grades just likes to party. Trust me when I say I have been slacking half way through my high school years, still probably slacking.
I believe college was never an option for me, even if I had pictured myself being a police officer or a state trooper obviously I had to go to college. But decided for myself that I would join a military branch. The Marines was an ideal and interesting branch, that I believe it was going to help me get to my future dreams and goals. It would help my family get a house where my mom always dreamed of and get me closer to being a cop.
If the marines or any military branch wasn’t anywhere near my options for my future after high school, I’d think I would’ve still been a big lazy bum. An 18 year old probably living in one of my friends couch, instead of living in my moms non existing basement. Working in a minimum wage job at walmart, to pay half of my friends rent, paying to eat fast food junk. To be honest, probably buying drugs (only marijuana) to ease my mind. Honestly almost living like if I was a crackhead and I wouldn’t want that for myself never. I’d never thought of my life like that,nothing wrong with living like that sure someone probably makes a living like that but I wouldn’t want this for my future kids or siblings. Its like if I knew there were many opportunities for me but I just gave up on them because I gave up on myself a long time ago.
Its past my bedtime for the first day of school and I’m peeling a mandarin and realizing and vividly talking to myself how I made it how this year. That I’m going to make the right decisions to make it to my moment of getting announcented at my graduation proudly shaking my teachers hand. This is the end of our high school journey and it feels exciting and really surprising for me specifically because I never believed in myself in making it through or past junior year. I’d always thought high school was going to be all fun and cool but I learned it was never like High School Musical. I remember nice and clear that I had just made it in the group of popular kids…. trust me I never considered myself to be a cool person but in reality I was a dork goofy looking person. I knew my “status” wasn’t going to last long but hey I had a great time over my freshman year. Slacked off, made dumb jokes that I never understood but was funny to others, dated a popular beautiful girl for quite some time. Everything felt good during that time didn’t care what anyone thought was just living the moment. But when I realized that I wasn’t going to graduate like that such as slacking off and not going to class I knew mid way through my sophomore year, I had to change my style of education &’social status. Bad timing that it took me almost half my school year to realize that and I went through some real tough shit man let me tell you I thought I was a very happy person who knew that there was some deep dark stuff inside me that I never knew I would have to go through. However, everyone goes through these emotional steps or crap but I knew I wasn’t the only one feeling like that. I stopped talking to certain people and found my people. The people who understood me better than the ones who talked to me and never got the chance to have a real talk. I know NOW I really changed I’m focused on something more realistic, a challenge that I had forever wanted to face but was to scared ever since I stepped a foot in high school. I met great joyful,motivating, good hearted people that support me and have helped me through some rough shit and I’m grateful for God making me realize that not all people are going to be the same, that change isn’t always a bad thing.
The challenge that I’m about to face is exciting and I know for a fact that it’s going to make a mark or a number on me. But I’m ready whatever this last school year has to put on me or give me. And I know I will be ready to pass my ASVAB test to be sent off next year of September to boot camp for the Marine Corps. I am more ready than ever physically but this year I will be prepared and will be focus more mentally.
Something I wish that I could’ve done better this year was to not skip a lot. To be real I was skipping because I thought that just cause I was passing the class I would get away with skipping the class. Instead they’ve caught me a few times and put me in school suspension yet I never really learned my lesson. But the good thing I really didn’t leave school the old me would’ve done some stupid childish stuff with some bad influences.
One thing that I would tell an incoming Junior is to keep your focus on the books try not to slack as much and if you do skip or are behind don’t be afraid to ask the teacher for some help. Just because you keep some stuff to yourself that doesn’t mean an adult might not help you or understand you. Don’t let anyone see you fail or let them see you struggling in something or else they could use that on you. Lets say your sad because of a girl doesn’t let that affect you because there’s plenty of girls in the world. And one main thing is to never trust your fellow “mates’’ because nowadays you can barely trust yourself in doing the right thing do what makes you think some gossipy friend will help you or watch your back.
One thing that I thought I faced on my own this year and realized is that your always going to have yourself. That I’m not alone and that I’m not scared to be alone I’m not scared to die alone anymore. In the beginning of the year i was going through something because last summer an old childhood friend past away(commited suicide), and ever since I was always questioning myself how I was going to die in a painful way or just sudden death. I was scared of being alone so I’d always force myself to talk to “friends” just not to feel lonely. But they really did not ucompany as much as I expected them to so I started pushing everyone away until I realised that I liked being by myself and want to like 4 therapy sessions but did not help. I made new friends and started being happy at the end but I would be happy when I was on my own to be honest.
Stereotypes to think that’s a word that means someone or something you aren’t. Who am i really ? What am I ? honestly i don’t get why people are always wanting to be in a specific society or specific club that matches them to their skills or personalities.They make it same that you have to be in a group of people who you could be similar to, to be in a comfort zone. I believe you could find whoever you want to be whenever you want to and it doesn’t necessarily need to be an exceptional label. Just simply don’t let people judge you or let them affect you from who you really are.
People always look me and say that I’m a bizarre depressing looking lesbian. I always get judged by my appearance assume they’ve never seen a legit or cool lesbian like me but they say because I dress not awful but a bit depressing like if i haven’t escaped out of my closet. Trust me I have and I’m proud that I’m showing my true colors or pride to people who notice me or don’t I don’t really care. They don’t really know what goes through my head anxiety,shivers,nervousness,mistrust really a lot of stuff but always worrying about my mother because she’s growing up and I’m afraid I’ll lose her in a terrible way.
On top of all that I always try to have a happy thought which makes me do good things that I’m also proud of. Which is make people more importantly the people who’s been there for me smile on there bad times. Or when I notice someone having a rough day I try to help them in any kind of way even if it’s a stranger I’d always have a good heart for the ones who need a one or want company.
My piece of advice to give to a group of people is that to never trust your “close friends” or “best friends”.You would always want to be with someone to tell your secrets to someone you really love and trust but in this generation trust is a huge issue. It’s hard enough to just keep one simple secret that you “promised” your friend to keep. People decide to stab your back whenever they feel like there jeoulous of you or whenever they feel like they want to get popular and leave you for better “friends” cause you weren’t enough for them. Those types of people shouldn’t be in your life at all they would make you feel the worst make you feel like you weren’t enough and somehow make you feel like you still want them back. But you shouldn’t because if you do they would just use you to get more information out of you to give to there other friends and make you feel 10x worst than the first friendship breakup. Always have friends around you but don’t ever trust them into telling them your deepest secret or just a secret. No one is your friend or best friend you might’ve known them for 5 or 6 years or since you were little but that’s always going to change into something worst.
Well this is what I’d do to my child I would raise her or him a bit different as how I was raised. Why?!? well because I know for a fact I am a brat when it comes to annoying my mother with my presence… JUST KIDDING hopefully but no I’m a troubled kid like at times I get my mom angry with not cleaning in time when she gets back from work or don’t wash dishes or take out the trash at night. Back then I was a good noodle always listening to her and paying attention to her but after she had my brother it’s like all the attention went to him. Yes I know at that time he was the first son she had and then came my little sister and it all went bananas. By the time my little sister popped out everything was different she would start yelling at me for something that my brother or sister would do because I didn’t “teach” them how to do it in a proper way but hey I was young and losing my mind. What I would’ve done if i had 4 or 3 kids not that i want that many kids but I would treat them the same way even if one was older or younger I would punish them by giving them a whole lecture on how to do it the correct way or if they’d have something precious like a special toy or something I would each take it away from them.
Another way I would raise my future child is to not spoil them as much as my parents spoiled me when I was really young. When I was little my uncles,aunts, mother and father would buy me anything I wanted the expensive big LEGO blocks some expensive dolls I would only play for a day and throw it away, big yellow trucks that were twice the size of me when I was little and destroy it with a hammer (when I was little I would grab anything to hit my toys or try to burn it with matches DON’T WORRY I never knew how to start the matches) or draw on it with an ugly brown or black sharpie.
Last thing that I’d raise my child differently is to let them go out with their friends but with the friends that I’d met with and hopefully I’d be the judge to definitely have a nice connection with them. I wasn’t and kind of still not able to go out to hang out with my friends for who knows whyyy but seems like that’s the reason why sometimes I sneak out of the house at night to hang out with my friends for a bit. Yesss I’m a bit of a daredevil but I love my mother I know she’s trying to make me become someone in this world and not a hobo in the streets but sometimes I need a little space or time for myself.
My biggest fearrrr is , well I have quite a lot of fears which is losing my mother in such a young age, losing my true and only few friends, losing my cat, losing my ability to charm some folks and the most biggest fear is having to die alone. I’m terrified of dying in a ditch alone with probably nothing that made me happy in the past. It’s like saying my life is always sad well not all the time there’s always some days where I want to go back and replay it and some days where I don’t want to remember.
Dying alone and not able to be happy for the things I accomplished or haven’t done or even finished doing my bucket list is scary as hell because I know I would regret any opportunity that I didn’t take, up there or where ever god will put me hell,heaven or just a black pitch cave. I always have dreams where I’m walking at the park with my brother and out of nowhere some guy mugged my brother and shot me for no reason. As this day I still have horrifying dreams like that but with different scenarios. Hopefully death will give me a time of period to make myself happy in time for my death and that I hope that I take all the opportunities to the path of my successful happiness.